Musings Of An Agent
by MarieStarbuck
Summary: Sarah's thoughts after vs. The Suburbs. "She watches the CIA agents remove all traces of Mr & Mrs Carmichael..."


**A/N This is something I dug out from deep within my harddrive and added a paragraph on the end to call it finished. It's my first try at something set in the Chuck universe so any and all feedback would be appreciated- especially constructive criticism! Thank you for taking the time to read. Marie x**

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><p><em>(Set after Chuck V The Suburbs, Sarah POV)<em>

She watches the CIA agents remove all traces of Mr & Mrs Carmichael; the photos, the furniture, even the dog and she realises that something deep inside her has

changed. Before she would have just seen objects: replaceable, unimportant. She would have seen the mission and nothing more. Now she sees evidence of a life which

she wants more than anything: but can never have. Sarah Walker, top CIA agent, wants the white picket fence, the porch swing, and the 2.4 kids. Sarah has to fight the

feeling that any minute now her universe will crumble.

Agents are trained to control their feelings and manipulate the feelings of those around them. Feelings complicate things and make you vulnerable. They are a tool for

controlling others. Even before she joined the CIA Sarah can remember her father telling her that feelings will affect your judgement and get you killed.

Love is not a foreign concept to Sarah Walker the agent; she has fooled dozens of men into believing she loved them but Sarah Walker the woman is less experienced.

The woman has only ever loved three men, The first is her father whom though has many faults still cares and worries over his daughter. The second is Bryce Larkin and

almost every member of the CIA has seen the mission reports about how well that ended.

The third is Chuck Bartowski. As an agent she has tried to deny her feeling but the only person she is fooling is herself. That night at the docks she realized just how

deeply she'd fallen and just how much it would hurt to lose him. She could no longer fool herself into believing she was not in love with Chuck but she still couldn't bring

herself to act on those feelings past a single kiss when facing certain death. To vocalise her feelings would mean making herself completely vulnerable and though she

trusts Chuck she cannot fight the ingrained response to lie and cut herself off from her feelings, from any possible hurt.

She should have seen the warning signs. The way she enjoyed their first date and looks forward to their cover dates, the smile that comes to her face every time she

sees him, the way her skin tingles when he holds her hand. If that were not enough the jealously she felt over Lou and the fact she chose to stay with Chuck instead of

going with Bryce should have been big hints. God, she's been so stupid.

When they share a bed for "cover" reasons they go to sleep on opposite sides of the bed with Sarah ensuring that not a single part of their bodies are in contact. While

they sleep it's an entirely different story. Their bodies respond to each other instinctively so they wake up entangled; Sarah's head resting on Chuck's chest with one arm

slung across his stomach protectively whilst his arms are wrapped around her waist and his face buried in her hair.

When you join the CIA they tell you two things in the first meeting. The first is that you must never get involved romantically with anyone you are assigned with on a

mission. The second is that with absolute certainty you will have night mares about some of the things you are instructed to do; in their words 'nightmares come with the

territory'. Sarah has been with the agency since she was 17 and has had her fair share of nightmares but just the feeling of Chucks arms wrapped around her engulf her

in the feeling of safety and she has never had one nightmare whilst Chuck is holding her.

Sarah Walker is head over heels in love with her asset.

Her internal musings have caused her to space out slightly and as she snaps back into awareness the CIA agents are removing the last piece of furniture from the

suburbs house. All that is left is a house, all traces of her and Chuck have been erased. Their relationship, if one can even call it that, must remain platonic- for the sake of

her job and in order to keep Chuck out of some hole in the ground bunker. At least for now Sarah's dreams of a normal life will have to stay hidden beneath the spy

exterior. At least now her heart knows the truth. Sarah Walker loves Chuck Bartowski.


End file.
